Purpose of the Blog

This blog thenceforth shall be my creative output and outlet. Only constructive criticism is welcomed.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Lines from my Darkest Week


There’s a cry in my heart for a meaning to live
There’s a hole in my chest searching out for relief.
Where can I find a peace in my mind,
When all that I think about is what’s behind?

The emotions are great and I hesitate.
The fear is real and I’m scared to fail.
The pressure inside finds no place to hide
And I’m left alone, exposed and prone.

I’ve been the giver; I’ve been the taker
I’ve been the seeker for the right answer
But where can I search for something unseen?
But where can I look for something within?

Who am I to the world outside?
I feel like I am standing in a divide.
An in-betweener; a man without a cause,
Who’s searching for meaning and has no time to pause.

Everyone has a place; of such, I was told.
But who can tell me mine? Come answer, ye bold!
Don’t tell me lies; or half-truths, be warned!
For I’ve been deceived; I have been faced with scorned.

Where do I belong? Are there many who sing this song?
Alone in the midst of the crowd; invisible to the faint and loud
Are there others like me; in this same misery?
Do I have brothers or sisters to call; when I begin to fall?



Monday, March 19, 2012

Perfect - Chapter 2

Chapter 2
Simon



In the afternoon, after I cooled down a little, the chief called me into his office. 

“You remember that guy you caught two nights back—Tony long?” asked the chief when I steeped through the door.  He had an opened file in front of him—Tony’s file.  In no mood for words, I nodded.

“Well, he was sentenced yesterday.” The chief looked at me to see my expression before continuing, “two years.”

I nodded emotionlessly.  In truth, it was an honest judgement since my report stated everything important.

“What’s troubling you, Thomason?”

“Nothing,” I replied coldly, “Just not happy, that’s all.”

“With?” prompted the chief.

“Life,” I stated plainly.

“You need a counsellor?”

“Not necessary.”

“Sure ‘bout that?”

“Yes.” I emphasized the word.

“Fine, then take the day off.”  It wasn’t a suggestion, it was an order.

I nodded and walked out.  With the rest of the day off and so many productive things that I could do, I decided to head home. 

This time Simon was not at the door with his empty bowl.  Instead, the bowl was only half-drunk and Simon was nowhere to be seen.  I did not bother looking for him.  He is a cat after all—when he is hungry, he looks for you.  I sat at my coffee table after I made my coffee and wondered about that day I found Simon.  It was my third year of consciousness and my sixth month on the force.  I was examining the crime scene of the murder of Elizabeth Lee.  She had been shot at point blank range in the back.  I was going through her room when a cat came through the open window.  I recognized the cat as the cat in her photos.  The collar that Simon wears now is the one Elizabeth was going to give him on his tenth birthday.  I kept Simon after I cleared up the paperwork.

The phone rings.  Where did I put it?  I made a mental note to get one of those gadgets that has everything in it so I would not need so many things in my pockets. 

“Hello?” I said after finding my phone in my left pocket.

“Mr. Thomason?” A woman’s voice answered.

I nodded.  Then I remembered that I was talking to the phone and said yes—I need to focus…too much daydreaming.

“I’m Samantha Lee.  Elizabeth Lee was my mother.”

“Yes?  How are you Samantha?”

“Umm…I was wondering…do you still have Simon with you?”

I didn’t know what to say.  I dreaded to say yes and hear her ask whether she could have him…after all he rightfully belonged to her.  I dreaded to say no and to come up with story on where he is now.  And most of all, I dreaded to lie. 

After a very awkward pause, I said yes.

“Great!” She answered and I felt sick—figuratively, I have never been sick for as long as I can remember.  I closed my eyes as she continued, “I am around the neighbourhood and I saw a cat that looked exactly like Simon running after a police car, and I thought that he should be with you…”

“I think that is him, Samantha,” I answered laughing a little, “You see, Simon doesn’t like being in the house all the time, and he gets out here and then.”

I heard a laugh at the other end of the line, and then I heard running and a siren as Samantha ran after the van shouting Simon’s name.  I hung up the phone after all I could hear on the other end was heavy staccato footsteps, a loud annoying siren, a woman’s effort in calling a cat’s name in the middle of a run, and the annoying panting when she tires.

I check my phone again.  The siren sounds still seem to be ringing.  No, the call has ended.  Now I hear a woman’s panting?  I look at the window in time to see Simon jump in through the window obviously exhausted.  He went straight for the half-drunk milk bowl before he spotted me and jumped.

“Hi to you too, Simon,” I greeted, “how was the little police chase?”

The cat gave me a curious look and went back to his bowl. 

I hear the lift.  I sigh as I walk to my door.  A fist greeted me as I opened the door.  I had opened it one second to late for Samantha to withdraw her knock.

“Sorry!” was all she managed.

I check my nose.  Not to see whether it was broken, but more as a cultural expectation.

“You can come in,” I said while I left the door opened for Samantha, “Simon’s inside.”

Samantha rushes in to see her mother’s cat.  I sat at my coffee table and observed.  Samantha had changed from the last I time saw her.  She was more mature in every sense, but her fashion sense needed improvement.  At age twenty, media played a very important part in her life.  She dressed plainly with a blue baby-tee shirt and track pants.  She was most likely jogging when she spotted Simon.  I couldn’t analyze her face as it was blocked with her long ebony hair. 

I got up to get her a drink.  One minute and twenty-four seconds passed before she got up and sat at the coffee-table.

“He looks well,” said Samantha motioning to Simon.

“He is fed twice daily, he has no restrictions—he can go anywhere he wants, and he eats Miaowers the ‘ultimate cat chowder’.” I noticed she stared at me rather strangely, but she laughed at my last statement.  I wondered what was wrong with Miaowers. 

Now I could view her face.  She looked exactly like her mother, with her father’s eyes.  She looked at me and I quickly turned away.  The awkward silence lasted for fifty-three seconds, until she began talking. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I got the day off.”

“Sick?”

“No, the boss didn’t like my attitude today.  Well, no one liked my attitude today at the office.”
  
“Why?”

I looked straight into Samantha’s eyes.  Should I tell her my problems? Why should I even confide in her? It won’t improve my condition, and I already told the chief that I didn’t need a counsellor.  But she looked interested in my story, not the usual story that everybody had probably already heard—the man-recovered-from-the-river-now-works-in-the-police-force story—she seemed interested in my story.

“I have been having disturbances in my sleep.” I confessed, “I have been dreaming about the same dream for sometime now and I think it has to do with my origin.”

“What do you dream about?”

I told her all that I remembered from the dream.  All she did was nod with understanding, but what does she understand? She knows where she was born; I don’t even know whether I was.  That A.D.A.M. 13 mark on my back is a constant reminder of the past I am trying to recall, but all I have about my past is my dream and that mark.  Is my life meant to be such? Am I supposed to live like a vagrant for the rest of my life? Her eyes widened at the description of one of the scientists.

“Green eyes and cropped brown hair?” she clarified. I nodded.  The description was that of a plain man.  It wouldn’t even help in an investigation, but now as she sat puzzled, I recalled that there were not many people with green eyes and brown hair in the city—in fact, only a handful.  “You can see colour in your dreams?” Her question threw me off.  I thought she was thinking of all the men that could fit the profile, but she had drawn her attention on something more important.  She was right; colours in dreams meant that the dream was of a real memory—at least that was one theory.

“What does that mean?” I asked.  It was clear she was thinking a lot, but I was not sure what she was pondering upon.

“It means that your dreams could actually be concrete memories.  Real memories suppressed into your unconscious that it only manifests itself when you let your guard down—when you sleep.”  It was only then that I recalled Samantha’s vocation.  She was a clinical psychologist.  Great, I told the chief I did not need a counsellor and here I am with one in my house, but she knew about something that could help me in my hunt for the truth.     

I did not know how to respond so I just laughed.

“What did I say?” she asked blushing.

I laughed before replying:

“It’s just that I told the chief of police that I didn’t need a shrink today.”     

We both laughed together before we returned to our cups of coffee.  The awkward silence was unbearable so I broke it.

“So, these dreams could be about my past?”

“There’s a possibility that they are, Adam, but I can’t be sure.  There are many different theories about dreams, but as far as I can tell, it’s rare to dream in such detail, let alone, remember all of your dreams.  These dreams that you are having are connected somehow with your history.”

After the conversation carried on for another twenty-three minutes, Samantha took a look at her watch and decided that she needed to leave.  She took a last hold of Simon and left.  She left me with something to hope for.  Something in my past manifested itself in my dreams.  Just how exact they are, I will never be sure, unless I investigate.  

Sunday, March 18, 2012

What We are For

We have been dead for far too long
The enemy's hand is for too strong
Break the chains
Let the Spirit reign
We can't remain in the past
It's time we change
Let's not be strange-ers
To the outcasts.

It's time the world knows what we are for
It's time to open up the door.
To our neighbors and friends
Let us lend them our hands.
Let's wash the feet
Of those in need
God, empower us all.
It's time the world knows what we are for.

Let us open our eyes to see
That people will not heed our plea
Unless our actions
Shows our passion
For the One who made us.
So let us be rid
Of our selfish seed
And be like Christ Jesus. 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Stupid Kid

This is a poem about...me
I'm sorry.

Stupid kid,
You thought you knew better.
Stupid kid,
But you just doused the fire.
You are dumb, your mind is numb to her voice.
This stubborn brain cannot remain your choice.
Stupid kid.

Stupid move,
You dug yourself a hole.
Stupid move,
You deserve the cold.
She was all that's right and in your sight, you stupid kid.
But now this game won't be the same; your rash-ful deed.
Stupid kid.

Stupid boy,
Your words can't be unsaid.
Stupid boy,
Get it in your head:
Girls like her do not appear so often.
So kick your selfish hide and leave your pride forgotten.
Stupid kid.

If you ever find it in your heart
To forgive this dumb nut.
He would do his best to fill
This hole he's made, til it's a hill.
Though the mound may still be there
And it still shows so clear and bare.
He hopes to make it up to you,
Please just tell him what to do...
Cause he's a stupid kid.